Непереводимый юмор

[Aaliyah]

а еще круто
"Two beer or not two beer"
Shakesbeer
и клево звучит
Two tea to two ( еще прибавляют to two типа во второй номер)

 

[Dark Lordess]

Регистрация на одном сайте, графа "пол", разъяснение:
Please choose what type of human you are, if you're not sure take a look in your pants, or roll a dice...

 

[Ariana]

sacra
almost drink too much

 

[Элл]

Впринципе, переводимо, только лень переводить:о))

Watching What You Eat
The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the Americans.

The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the Americans.

The Japanese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than the Americans.

The Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than the Americans.

The Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of sausage and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than the Americans.



Conclusion: Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.

 

[ViP]

First time for a GIRL!(english version)

(Assume you are a girl if you are a boy)

It's your first time. As you lie back your

muscles tighten. You put him

off for a while searching for an excuse, but he

;refuses to be swayed as he

approaches you. He asks if you're afraid and you

shake your head bravely.

He has had more experience, but it's the first

time his finger has found

the right place. He probes deeply and you shiver;

your body tenses; but

he's gentle like he promised he'd be. He looks

deeply within your eyes

and tells you to trust him - he's done this many

times before. His cool

smile relaxes you and you open wider to give him

;more room for an easy

entrance. You begin to plead and beg him to hurry,

but he slowly takes his

time, wanting to cause you as little pain as

possible. As he presses

;closer, going deeper, you feel the tissue give

way; pain surges throughout

your body and you feel the slight trickle of

blood as he continues. He

looks at you concerned and asks you if it's too

painful.Your eyes are

filled with tears but you shake your head and nod

for him to go on. He

begins going in and out with skill but you are

now too numb to feel him

within you. After a few moments, you feel

something bursting within you and

he pulls it out of you, you lay panting, glad to

have it over. He looks

at you and smiling warmly, tells you, with a

chuckle; that you have been

his most stubborn yet most rewarding experience.

You smile and thank your

dentist. After all,it was your first time to have

a tooth pulled.

Naughty, Naughty!

What were you thinkin' ?

PERVERT

I know what you were thinking!

 

[{Melman}]

Отличная вещь!

Scene: The Oval Office
Players: George W. Bush, President of the US
Condoleezza Rice, National Security Adviser

George: Condi! Nice to see you. What's happening?
Condi: Sir, I have the report here about the new leader of China.
George: Great. Lay it on me.
Condi: Hu is the new leader of China.
George: That's what I want to know.
Condi: That's what I'm telling you.
George: That's what I'm asking you. Who is the new leader of China?
Condi: Yes.
George: I mean the fellow's name.
Condi: Hu.
George: The guy in China.
Condi: Hu.
George: The new leader of China.
Condi: Hu.
George: The Chinaman!
Condi: Hu is leading China.
George: Now whaddya' asking me for?
Condi: I'm telling you Hu is leading China.
George: Well, I'm asking you. Who is leading China?
Condi: That's the man's name.
George: That's who's name?
Condi: Yes.
George: Will you or will you not tell me the name of the new leader of China?
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Yassir? Yassir Arafat is in China? I thought he was in the Middle East.
Condi: That's correct.
George: Then who is in China?
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Yassir is in China?
Condi: No, sir.
George: Then who is?
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Yassir?
Condi: No, sir.
George: Look, Condi. I need to know the name of the new leader of China. Get me the Secretary General of the U.N. on the phone.
Condi: Kofi?
George: No, thanks.
Condi: You want Kofi?
George: No.
Condi: You don't want Kofi.
George: No. But now that you mention it, I could use a glass of milk. And then get me the U.N.
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Not Yassir! The guy at the U.N.
Condi: Kofi?
George: Milk! Will you please make the call?
Condi: And call who?
George: Who is the guy at the U.N?
Condi: Hu is the guy in China.
George: Will you stay out of China?!
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: And stay out of the Middle East! Just get me the guy at the U.N.
Condi: Kofi.
George: All right! With cream and two sugars. Now get on the phone.

(Condi picks up the phone.)

Condi: Rice, here.
George: Rice? Good idea. And a couple of egg rolls, too. Maybe we should send some to the guy in China. And the Middle East. Can you get Chinese food in the Middle East?

Источник: AMERICAN ENGLISH (issue 25)

 

[SweeT InfinitY]

There was a man who lost all his left side. He is allright now =))))))
игра слов.

 

[miss Jolie]

а мне очень нравится вот это:
- where are you from?
- I'm from U.S.
- my ass?

 

[Скуратов-Бельский]

На таможне.

- Name?
- Mohammed Abdulla Abu al Saleh.
- Sex?
- Four times a day.
- No, no... I mean male or female?
- Yes, yes... male, female... Sometimes camel.

 

[Скуратов-Бельский]

Наверное, всё-таки, в эту ветку нужно. Это уж точно непереводимо...

Шифровка
Начальнику 5–го шифровального управления контрразведки Дэвиду Эшблэку. Просим Ваш отдел оказать помощь в расшифровке стенограммы телефонного разговора между двумя российскими гражданами, выдающими себя за студентов, которые подозреваются в связях с русской мафией. Незаконность разговора очевидна — он проходил в явно шифрованном виде с тяжелым русским акцентом. Подозреваемые явно обсуждали какую–то крупную сделку и договорились о встрече — это все что нам известно на данный момент.
Стенограмма:
— Allow!
— Pre–wet sir gay!
— Star over tall lick!
— Cock dealer?
— At leech now! Attic cock?
— Normal no.
— Show ass?
— Dove vote, pass to pill knock on its!
— Tatty show! Molly talk!
— Aha, boo doubt shit so tip year. At tee show?
— Mash inner coop ill!
— Cocker you?
— Bear am were.
— Class! More jet packer tie am see?
— Hot sea what now!
— Dove eye!
— Cheese so cheer is tree?
— Hooray show!
— What key skull cow bright?
— Cock a bitch now! Yes chick!
— Aha, yeah beer you.
— Are bob?
— Some more so boy! Tall cow bob tee is she!
— Sweat car pie dirt?
— Some sweat cow he bee.
— Lad no. Are cock now shit ear key?
— True go year dealer!
— Dog over ill is!
— Poor cow!
— Dove stretch ear!

 

[Скуратов-Бельский]

- Bоу, I nееd sоmе оniоn.
- Sоrrу, mаm, wе dоn’t hаvе оniоn аt thе mоmеnt.
- I dоn’t саrе, I nееd sоmе оniоn.
- But mаm, wе dоn’t hаvе оniоn in thе mаrkеt right nоw.
- Yоu dоn’t undеrstаnd mе, I nееd sоmе оniоn.
- Wеll, mаm, lеts сhесk уоur еnglish. Ноw mаnу lеttеrs «р» in thе wоrd «аррlе»?
- Twо.
- Right, mаm. And hоw mаnу lеttеrs «t» in thе wоrd «lеttеr»?
- Twо.
- Right, mаm. And hоw mаnу «f*ck» in thе wоrd «оniоn»?
- But thеrе is nо «f*ck» in «оniоn».
- Right, mаm, thеrе is nо f*cking оniоn!

 

[{Melman}]

Весело. Взято отсюда.Раздел Smart Guys->English school humor

LARRY: I’m not going to school any more.
MOTHER: Why?
LARRY: On Monday, the teacher said 4 and 4 is 8. On Tuesday,
she said 6 and 2 is 8. Today, she said 7 and 1 is 8. I’m not going
back to school again until the teacher makes up her mind*.
* to make up one’s mind - определяться

Читать дальше...

TEACHER: This is the fifth time I have punished you this week.
What have you to say?
BOY: I’m glad it’s Friday, sir.

JOHN: I spent ten hours over my history book last night.
ALEC: Ten hours?!
JOHN: Yes, I left it under my bed when I went to sleep last night.

BIG SISTER: I’ll help you with your arithmetic. Suppose, I have
10 oranges and give you 2, how many will I have then?
BOBBY: I don’t know. In my class we do arithmetic with apples.

TEACHER: Willie, how do you define* ignorance**.
WILLIE: It’s when you don’t know something and somebody finds it out.
* to define – дать определение
** ignorance - невежество

TEACHER: If your brother has five apples and you take two from him,
what will be the result?
BOBBY: He will beat me.

TOMMY: I’ve won a prize, Mother!
MOTHER: A prize? What for, dear?
TOMMY: At the lesson the teacher asked me how many legs an ostrich*
had, and I said three.
MOTHER: But an ostrich has two legs.
TOMMY: I know that now, Mother, but the rest of the class said four;
so I was nearest.
* an ostrich - страус

TEACHER: But where is the dot over the “i”?
SMALL GIRL: It’s in the pencil yet.

TEACHER: Can anyone tell me what a fishing-net* is made of?
NICK: It’s made of many little holes tied together with a string.
* a fishing-net – рыболовная сеть

TECAHER: What is the difference between one yard and two yards?
PUPIL: A fence.

PUPIL: I’ve added those figures ten times, sir.
TEACHER: That’s a good boy.
PUPIL: And here are the ten answers.

Robert smiled when the teacher read the story of a man who swam
a river three times before breakfast.
“Do you doubt that a trained swimmer could do that?”
asked the teacher.
“No, sir,” answered Robert, “but I wonder why he didn’t
make it four times and swim back to the side where his clothes were.”

TEACHER: What is a circle?
PUPIL: A circle is a line which meets its other end without ending.

ENGLISH HUMOUR

MOTHER: If you wanted to go the computer club, why didn’t you ask me first?
JOHNNY: Because I wanted to go to the computer club.

GUIDE: I saw a lot of tiger tracks about a mile to the north of here.
HUNTER: Which way is south?

HELEN: You hammer nails* like lightning.
PETE: Do you mean that I’m fast?
HELEN: No, you never strike twice in the same place.
* to hammer nails – забивать гвозди

FARMER: What are you doing up in that tree, boy?
BOY: One of your apples fell down, and I’m trying to put it back.

SHOP-GIRL: This machine will do half your work.
CUSTOMER: All right, I’ll take two.

JACK: How did you break your arm?
MIKE: Do you see those stairs over there?
JACK: Yes.
MIKE: Well, I didn’t.

MAN (in a restaurant): Is this tea or coffee?
WAITER: Can’t you tell the difference, sir, by the taste?
MAN: No, I can’t.
WAITER: Well, if you can’t tell the difference, what does it matter which it is?

MAN (in a restaurant): This coffee is very hot to stir* with my finger.
WAITER (bringing another cup of coffee): Maybe this isn’t so hot, sir.
* to stir – размешивать

VISITOR: Why is your dog watching me so closely while I eat?
HOST: Maybe it’s because you are eating out of his plate.

AUNT ANN: Well, Nelly, were you brave at the dentist?
NELLY: Yes, Antie, I was.
AUNT ANN: And now tell me what he did to you.
NELLY: He pulled out two of Willie’s teeth.

It was Frankie’s first visit to the Zoo.
“What do you think of the animals?” asked the father.
After the critical inspection of the animals the boy answered,
“I think the kangaroo and the elephant must change tails.”

ARTIST (showing his painting): That is a cow grazing, sir.
VISITOR: Where is the grass?
ARTIST: The cow has eaten it.
VISITOR: But where is the cow?
ARTIST: What for do you think she may stay here after she has eaten all the grass?

The champion was told that he had a temperature.
“How high is it, Doctor?” he wanted to know.
“Thirty eight and one”, said the doctor.
“And what is the world record?” asked the champion.

“And has your baby learnt to talk?”
“Oh, yes. We are teaching him to keep quiet now”.

TIM: My father and I know everything in the world.
JOHN: All right. Where is Asia?
TIM: …That is one of the questions my father knows.

MOTHER: I hope you didn’t take a second piece of cake at yesterday’s birthday party?
DICK: No. I took two pieces the first time.

JIM: Mother, we’re going to play elephants at the Zoo. Will you help us?
MOTHER: What can I do?
JIM: You can be the lady who gives them nuts and sweets.

DICK: Have you planted anything in your garden yet?
NICK: Only my watch, pen and seven pencils.

FIRST LITTLE BOY: Aren’t ants* strange little things?
They work and work and never play.
SECOND LITTLE BOY: Oh, I don’t know about that.
Every time when I go on a picnic, they are always there.
* an ant - муравей

STEVE: Why does a giraffe have such a long neck?
TED: Because its head is so far from its body, I guess.

BOY: Is it a good river for fish?
FISHERMAN: Must be. I can’t make any of them come out.

At the post-office:
CLERK: That letter is too heavy. You’ll have to put another stamp on it.
LITTLE BOY: What’s the good of that? If I put
another stamp on it, that will make it still heavier.

A man who stuttered was asked why he did so.
“It’s my p-p-p-peculiarity,” he answered. “Everybody has s-s-s-some p-p-p-peculiarity.”
“I don’t have any,” said the questioner.
“Don’t you s-s-s-stir your t-t-t-tea with your r-r-r-right hand?”
“Yes, of course.”
“That’s your p-p-p-peculiarity. Most p-p-p-people use a s-s-s-spoon.

“I can never sleep the night before I go on a trip.”
“Then why don’t you always leave the day before?”

“Was it hot where you spent your holidays last summer?”
“Terrible, and no trees! We took turns* lying in each other’s shadow.”
* to take turns – по очереди

“Did you take your usual two weeks’ trip this year?”
“No, we just left our house doors open, opened the windows, and got the same effect.”

Father took his young daughter to the cinema.
He took a seat in the middle of the hall while his daughter
sat down in the front row to join some other children.
The news-reel was showing a forest fire which frightened
the little girl very much and she came back to take a seat beside her father.
“What’s the matter?” ha asked. “Did the fire frighten you?”
“Oh, no!” she answered, “The smoke got in my eyes.”

“How is your little brother, Johnny?”
“He is in bed. He hurt himself..”
“That’s too bad. How did you do it?”
“We were playing who could lean* furthest out of the window, and he won.”
* to lean - наклоняться

“So, Joe was the life of the party*?”
“Oh, yes. He was the only one who could talk louder than the radio.”
* life of the party - душа компании

 

[{Melman}]

Немного непереводимого математического юмора

*Expand= раскрывать скобки, а также растягивать

 

[Женечка Франкенштейн]

Первый урок, английский для начинающих:

"Три ведьмы разглядывают трое часов "Свотч". Какая из ведьм разглядывает какие часы?"

Теперь по английски!

Three witches watch three swatch watches. Which witch watches which swatch watch?

Второй урок, английский для продвинутых учеников:

"Три ведьмы-трансвеститки разглядывают три кнопочки на часах "Свотч". Какая из ведьм-трансвеститок разглядывает какую кнопочку на часах "Свотч"?"

Теперь по английски!

Three switched witches watch three Swatch watch switches. Which switched witch watches which Swatch watch switch?

Третий и последний урок, английский для абсолютных профессионалов:

"Три швейцарских ведьмы-сучки, желающих изменить свой пол, разглядывают три кнопочки на часах "Свотч". Какая из швейцарских ведьм-сучек, желающих изменить свой пол,разглядывает какую кнопочку на часах "Свотч"?"

Теперь по английски!

Three swiss witch-bitches, which wished to be switched swiss witch-bitches, watch three swiss Swatch watch switches. Which swiss witch-bitch, which wishes to be a switched swiss witch-bitch, wishes to watch which swiss Swatch watch switch?

 

[Скуратов-Бельский]

Оригинальный призыв поддержать армию США. Текст - умереть, не встать...

 

[Скуратов-Бельский]

Bush Diary

Dear Jernal,
I went to the Ball-ticks this week and made a speech which Condo Lizard rote for me. She is a Russian speshialsit so she knows all about the Ruskies. So I spoke that the Ruskies should not have occupied the Ball-ticks and that President Roseavelt was a traitor for agreeing to this at sum place called Y’allta. I don’t have a clue about the meaning of what I said, but the neo-cons liked it and so did the Ball-ticklers!

All I can say about Roseavelt is that he got Social Security wrong too!

Sum peeple told me that my speech would make the Ruskies angry, especially RasPutin, so I was a bit nervus when I met up with him in Moscoe. But he was OK. He took me to his ranch, which was pathetic ‘cause he has no cattle, and he let me drive his car. I tried not to laugh but his Russian car looks so old fashioned compared to our American cars! Heehee! Hear I am driving his stupid car. As u can see, our pursonal relashonship is close, and we are both on the same wavelength.

I had 'fruitful discushons' with RasPutin. That is diplo-talk for our conversashon sucked! But we agreed the war on terror is number one. He can do whatever he wants in Chech-na-na and we will do what we want in Eye-rack. Hot doggie, good deal! Hear I am having a fruitful exchange with RasPutin.

Coffee Anon spoke this week of reducing nucular weapons all over the world. I hope he did not mean us! We need the nucular opshon. The American peeple feel safer in their beds evry night knowing that I, and not sum skirt-chaser like Bill Clinton, has my finger on the button! Unlike him, I will use it!

A Republican - who is a therefore a good man - named Arthur Frankenstein has started a stop-Hillary campane. He even has an anti-Hillary website! Yeah! Hillary Clinton has radical ideas, like that a woman should be President! But it is the Jebster’s turn to rule! He keeps calling me, crying like a baby, he is so wurried about her beating him. Just as well nobody knows this but me and you, dear dieree!

George

P.S. Dennis the Menace Coosinich wants to start a Department of Peace. We alreddy got one of those, it is the Department of War. He may have co-sponsors, but I have Speedy Gonzales ready to shoot it down! Promoting Civil Rights? I have news for you. The King is no longer around and we have a democracy, not a monarchy! Well, it is time to take my orders … I mean, receive my briefing … from Chainsaw, so that’s all for now.

 

[KiTe]

В принципе переводимо, но... В этом анекдоте надо подставить на место YOUR COMPANY название компании, где вы работаете

"One politician, One thief & One YOUR COMPANY employee died & went straight to hell.

Politician said "I miss my country. I want to call my country and see how everybody is doing there." She called and talked for about 5 minutes, and then she asked "Well, devil how much I need to pay for the call????

The devil says "Five million dollars".

The Politician wrote him a cheque and went to sit back on her chair.

Thief was so jealous, he starts screaming, "My turn! I wanna call my group members, I want to see how everybody is doing there too"

He called and talked for about 2 minutes, and then he asked "Well, devil, how much do I need to pay for the call????

The devil says "Ten million dollars".

With a smug look on his face, he made a cheque and went to sit back on his chair.

YOUR COMPANY employee was even more jealous & starts screaming, "I want to call my office friends, managers and partners ",

He called other YOUR COMPANY employees and he talked for twenty hours about his customers, new accounts, services that were recently introduced, latest gossip, he talked & talked & talked, then he asked "Well, devil how much do I need to pay for the call????

The devil says "Twenty dollars".

YOUR COMPANY employee is stunned & says "Twenty dollars??? Only??"

Devil says:

Calling from Hell to Hell is considered a Local Call."