Jasana
Гуру
Вот несколько забавных вещей из старой почты. Удачно перевести трудно. если вообще можно - часто встречается игра слов 
так что, кто читает по-английски, посмейтесь 
:
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There is a new study out about women.
These results were pretty interesting.
85% of women think their ass is too big.......
10% of women think their ass is too little......
The other 5% say that they don't care, they love him and would have married him anyway
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Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%?
We have all been to those meetings where someone wants over 100%. How about achieving 103%? Here's a little math that might prove helpful.
What makes life 100%?
If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z
is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.
Then:
H A R D W O R K
8 1 18 4 23 15 18 11 = 98%
K N O W L E D G E
11 14 15 23 12 5 4 7 5 = 96%
But,
A T T I T U D E
1 20 20 9 20 21 4 5 = 100%
And,
B U L L S H I T
2 21 12 12 19 8 9 20 = 103%
So, it stands to reason that hard work and knowledge will get you
close,attitude will get you there, and bullshit will put you over the
top. But, look how far ass kissing will take you.
A S S K I S S I N G
1 19 19 11 9 19 19 9 14 7 = 118%
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A boy and his father were playing catch in the front yard when the boy saw a honey bee. He ran over and stomped on it. "That was a HoneyBee" his father said, "one of our friends, and for stomping him you will do without honey for a whole week." Later the boy saw a butterfly so he ran over and stomped it. "That was a Butterfly" his father said, "One of our friends, and for stomping it you will do without Butter for a whole week." The next morning the family sat down for breakfast. The boy ate his toast plain & dry (no honey and no butter). Suddenly a cockroach ran from under the stove. The boy's mother stomped on it.
The boy looked at his father and said, "Are you going to tell her or should I?"
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Surrogate Father
The Smiths were unable to conceive children, and decided
to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the
day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his
wife and said, "I'm off. The man should be here soon."
Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby
photographer rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale.
"Good morning madam. I've come to...." "Oh, no need to
explain. I've been expecting you," Mrs. Smith cut in. "Really?"
the photographer asked. "Well, good!? I've made a specialty
of babies." "That's what my husband and I had hoped. Please
come in and have a seat." After a moment she asked, blushing,
"Well, where do we start?" "Leave everything to me. I usually
try two in the bathtub, one on the couch and perhaps a
couple on the bed. Sometimes the living room floor is fun
too; you can really spread out!"
"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work
for Harry and me." "Well, madam, none of us can guarantee
a good one every time. But if we try several different
positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure
you'll be pleased with the results."
"My, that's a lot of ..." gasped Mrs. Smith. "Madam,
in my line of work, a man must take his time. I'd love
to be in and out in five minutes, but you'd be disappointed
with that, I'm sure."
"Don't I know it," Mrs. Smith said quietly.
The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out
a portfolio of his baby pictures. "This was done on the
top of a bus in downtown London."
"Oh my God!!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, tugging at her handkerchief.
"And these twins turned out exceptionally well-when you
consider their mother was so difficult to work with."
"She was difficult?" asked Mrs. Smith.
"Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to Hyde
Park to get the job done right.? People were crowding around
four and five deep, pushing to get a good look."
"Four and five deep?" asked Mrs. Smith, eyes widened
in amazement.
"Yes," the photographer said. "And for more than three
hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling
- I could hardly concentrate. Then darkness approached
and I began to rush my shots.? Finally, when the squirrels
began nibbling on my equipment, I just packed it all in."
Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "You mean they actually chewed
on your, um... equipment?"
"That's right. Well, madam, if you're ready, I'll set
up my tripod so that we can get to work."
"Tripod??"
"Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my Canon on.
It's much too big for me to hold very long. Madam? Madam?.....
Good Lord, she's fainted!"
так что, кто читает по-английски, посмейтесь :-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
There is a new study out about women.
These results were pretty interesting.
85% of women think their ass is too big.......
10% of women think their ass is too little......
The other 5% say that they don't care, they love him and would have married him anyway
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%?
We have all been to those meetings where someone wants over 100%. How about achieving 103%? Here's a little math that might prove helpful.
What makes life 100%?
If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z
is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.
Then:
H A R D W O R K
8 1 18 4 23 15 18 11 = 98%
K N O W L E D G E
11 14 15 23 12 5 4 7 5 = 96%
But,
A T T I T U D E
1 20 20 9 20 21 4 5 = 100%
And,
B U L L S H I T
2 21 12 12 19 8 9 20 = 103%
So, it stands to reason that hard work and knowledge will get you
close,attitude will get you there, and bullshit will put you over the
top. But, look how far ass kissing will take you.
A S S K I S S I N G
1 19 19 11 9 19 19 9 14 7 = 118%
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A boy and his father were playing catch in the front yard when the boy saw a honey bee. He ran over and stomped on it. "That was a HoneyBee" his father said, "one of our friends, and for stomping him you will do without honey for a whole week." Later the boy saw a butterfly so he ran over and stomped it. "That was a Butterfly" his father said, "One of our friends, and for stomping it you will do without Butter for a whole week." The next morning the family sat down for breakfast. The boy ate his toast plain & dry (no honey and no butter). Suddenly a cockroach ran from under the stove. The boy's mother stomped on it.
The boy looked at his father and said, "Are you going to tell her or should I?"
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Surrogate Father
The Smiths were unable to conceive children, and decided
to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the
day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his
wife and said, "I'm off. The man should be here soon."
Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby
photographer rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale.
"Good morning madam. I've come to...." "Oh, no need to
explain. I've been expecting you," Mrs. Smith cut in. "Really?"
the photographer asked. "Well, good!? I've made a specialty
of babies." "That's what my husband and I had hoped. Please
come in and have a seat." After a moment she asked, blushing,
"Well, where do we start?" "Leave everything to me. I usually
try two in the bathtub, one on the couch and perhaps a
couple on the bed. Sometimes the living room floor is fun
too; you can really spread out!"
"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work
for Harry and me." "Well, madam, none of us can guarantee
a good one every time. But if we try several different
positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure
you'll be pleased with the results."
"My, that's a lot of ..." gasped Mrs. Smith. "Madam,
in my line of work, a man must take his time. I'd love
to be in and out in five minutes, but you'd be disappointed
with that, I'm sure."
"Don't I know it," Mrs. Smith said quietly.
The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out
a portfolio of his baby pictures. "This was done on the
top of a bus in downtown London."
"Oh my God!!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, tugging at her handkerchief.
"And these twins turned out exceptionally well-when you
consider their mother was so difficult to work with."
"She was difficult?" asked Mrs. Smith.
"Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to Hyde
Park to get the job done right.? People were crowding around
four and five deep, pushing to get a good look."
"Four and five deep?" asked Mrs. Smith, eyes widened
in amazement.
"Yes," the photographer said. "And for more than three
hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling
- I could hardly concentrate. Then darkness approached
and I began to rush my shots.? Finally, when the squirrels
began nibbling on my equipment, I just packed it all in."
Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "You mean they actually chewed
on your, um... equipment?"
"That's right. Well, madam, if you're ready, I'll set
up my tripod so that we can get to work."
"Tripod??"
"Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my Canon on.
It's much too big for me to hold very long. Madam? Madam?.....
Good Lord, she's fainted!"
